The Gift of Bearing Witness

The Healing and Reparative Power of Acknowledging a Parent in Grief

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Maya Angelou has been quoted as saying, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” For me as a parent who lost a precious daughter to transgender ideology and medicalization, there is a greater agony. I told the story, and some refuse to hear it, read it, or talk with me about it, and in some cases, they have walked away entirely. For me and the many parents I represent in my writing, being invisible after telling our story is a deeper agony.

I will admit that in the dark hours of my despair of losing my daughter, I wasn’t easy to be around. My pain was so deep and consuming that it may have repelled people at times. Some days, I was barely holding on and was not doing well. I did everything possible to survive and heal, yet I was not always good at camouflaging my despair. I apologize for displacing my grief onto others. In my defense, I needed a few people to stand with me to keep me from crumpling to the ground. I was asking for help.

I am forever grateful for those who stuck around when I was in my grief. Their gift of bearing witness was a profound act of caring, which I will never forget. I practice empathy and forgiveness for those who turned away. They had reasons, perhaps to protect themselves from a topic too disturbing to comprehend and a grief too overwhelming to witness. Perhaps they viewed me as too intense and thus needed to distance themselves for their mental well-being. Perhaps they misunderstood me or dismissed me because they had ingested the concept that they had heard from activists that I must be a bigot or transphobic, and they wanted nothing to do with me.

When I am troubled, I often turn to The Work of Byron Katie.

She asks four questions about beliefs, particularly those that cause us distress or pain:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3. How do you react when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

These questions can be applied on both sides. Those who negatively judge parents as hateful transphobes and thus dismiss them, and parents who are wounded by others’ views of them. These questions can also be used by the kids who have come to believe they were born in the wrong body.

As I live on in tandem with my grief, I see others’ grief more clearly. I practice reaching out to others to acknowledge and witness their losses. I touch base with those who are struggling. Even a “thinking of you” message can give the hurting person a sense they are not alone. All people can slow down, pause, and look around for people who are hanging on by a thread and give them a small gesture of being seen and not forgotten or dismissed.

I speak for myself and many other parents who have lost children to gender ideology and medicalization; it is a gift to bear witness to us. There is reparative power in seeing us. And there is tremendous, unnecessary damage being caused by viewing parents in disparaging ways, calling them names, dismissing them as obsolete, censoring them, and taking away their rights.

Please do not collude with or contribute to parents’ invisibility by excluding them and passing laws and enacting policies that take away their voice. And do not allow the alteration of birth certificates without full permission and consent of the parents. Please view us as human beings who deserve inclusion, respect, and honor. We are not the enemy; we brought a child into the world, and we are our child’s loving protector. Of course, there are exceptions of abusive parents, but parents who want their child’s body left alone, who want the root cause of their child’s distress addressed, and who do not want their child to experience the adverse effects of puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, and irreversible surgeries that remove healthy body parts and healthy reproductive organs are not abusive.

Each of us has the power to aid in the potential of the reparative healing process by witnessing the agony of an unbearable experience of loss. It is traumatic to lose a child, and that grief is often ambiguous and disenfranchised.

“If you simply can’t understand why someone is grieving so much, for so long, then consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand.” Joanne Cacciatore

Never underestimate what a kind word, hug, or acknowledgment of loss might do for the parent in grief. Their daily existence is often fraught with challenges to stay afloat.

An abundance of people are going through hard times. We all can practice bearing witness to loss, and I believe that leaning in, listening, and acknowledging loss have the power to help the griever. Remaining silent or turning away can foster later regret, so it is best to err on the side of speaking up and turning toward those who are hurting, particularly if they ask you for help or ask you to listen. Of course, the parent in grief is responsible for seeking help from therapy, support groups, healing modalities and practices, and focusing on self-care. And they need friends. Parents don’t want pity; they want to be visible, included, considered, and respected as valuable members of families and society. And sadly, in today’s culture, parents are devalued at every turn in the advent of queer theory and gender ideology.  

Queer theory and gender ideology are causing unnecessary suffering to both children and parents. Both the theory and ideology and the motives of those who perpetuate drastic, irreversible medicalization of kids need to be questioned and investigated.

After the transgender scandal and tragedy are exposed, significant efforts are in order to help the kids, their parents, and their families heal. Each person can help. And it starts with the gift of bearing witness. From there, one might choose to participate with the repair and restoration of ethical and comprehensive care for kids experiencing gender confusion or dysphoria. We can unite to help kids in distress.

On behalf of parents, we thank you for leaning in to a difficult topic, possibly from a perspective you have not considered previously, with kindness and empathy and bearing witness to our loss. A hug might be appreciated when you have an opportunity as well. Thank you.

Lisa Shultz advocates for the rights of parents and women. She is deeply concerned about the influence of gender ideology and the lack of comprehensive, ethical care for children and vulnerable adults.