Disenfranchised Grief of Losing a Child to Gender Ideology and Medicalization

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I suspect that people dislike talking about grief nearly as much as talking about death. Most people wish that those who are grieving would just get over it. Author Megan Devine’s book It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand shows that many people have difficulty knowing how to help others in grief. Grief is not a problem to be solved, and most people don’t want to be fixed. Their goal is not to rise above the pain of loss or erase it. They aim to cultivate skills to withstand it and tend to the pain with gentle kindness to themselves and others.

Grief can occur in many ways besides the death of a family member, spouse, or friend. Some people experience grief when losing a beloved pet, which is sometimes supported but sometimes scoffed at by those who have never felt a deep bond with an animal. And of course, not all grief is tied to death. Some experience grief when their parents divorce or when they themselves divorce. Another example is parental grief when children progress through different stages of life, such as leaving the nest upon graduation from high school. (This can be a celebration and a loss!) Other examples are loss through dementia, traumatic brain injury, substance abuse, and mental illness. Even more examples include the loss of a career, valued roles, and physical function. Some of these losses are acknowledged and supported, and some—not so much.

Some losses are called ambiguous, meaning there is no closure or resolution. Estrangement or a loss of contact can be an ambiguous loss. These types of losses are often ignored, and that can be hard on the griever to process, particularly if there is no acknowledgment of them.

Disenfranchised grief means there is no societal validation for the loss and grieving process, and often, others view those experiencing this type of grief as wrong for grieving or that their loss isn’t grief-worthy.

Many parents who lose a child to gender ideology and medicalization experience disenfranchised grief. They have been denied the right to grieve due to the ideology’s demonization of parents who do not believe gender-identity medicalization is the best way to care for the long-term health and well-being of their kids. Those who wish to safeguard their children from the pathway of drugs and surgeries that forever alters their bodies and disrupts their natural health are looked down upon in our current culture of “affirmation only” for gender identities. Gender-critical parents who want their children to seek out the root cause of their distress and pursue non-invasive, natural treatment alternatives are invalidated and pressured to affirm whatever their child declares and demands. While parents are experiencing deep grief as the child they know slips away, they are told to stop talking about it, get educated, and let the child do whatever medicalization options the child wants. To further push the medicalization path, some people tell parents that their child will commit suicide if the parents do not comply with the planned course of drug prescriptions and surgeries for gender modification.  

Because activism and a new gender industry are capturing so many people and systems in our society, parents have been told that they must not question gender ideology and are not entitled to grieve when their child cross-sex identifies. Activists and allies seem to believe our grief comes from a place of ignorance and transphobia. The multiple layers of parental and family loss are often minimized. Grieving parents receive little support, and sometimes they receive condemnation, for trying or even hoping to prevent their children from self-harming with drugs and surgeries that will leave them medical patients for life with a host of health issues. The family loss is rarely acknowledged or validated. Our pain and grief can be excruciating, and in our darkest hours of mourning, we are often alone. We sometimes feel compelled to hide our grief because it makes others uncomfortable at best, and disenfranchised at worst.

Those who are captured by gender ideology often tell parents that their feelings are wrong if they are sad that they have lost a son or daughter to irreversible medicalization treatments. Parents who are no longer able to hear the sweet sounds of their daughter’s natural voice and laugh due to the impact of testosterone, which masculinizes their voice, are frequently not acknowledged. Parents who have been told they are not allowed to use the beloved name they gave their child are sometimes dismissed as being non-progressive, disrespectful, or unloving. Some outsiders who use the new, chosen name in our presence come from a place of perceived social justice righteousness, while others just try to get through an awkward situation as best they can.

Those who use a child’s new name in our company without asking us about our feelings and wishes surrounding the name probably have no ill intentions. They just don’t understand the loss of a cherished name that we chose, which further isolates us in our grief. The layered depth and complexity of losing a child to gender ideology and medicalization is difficult to comprehend for outsiders. And if social justice stances are purposely placed before the person in grief, this insensitivity can cause the parent additional feelings of heartache and loss.

Those who grieve carry on as best they can in today’s world. Some find new communities and purpose. David Kessler, author of multiple books including Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, is a voice that resonates with many. Parents usually do not wish to burden others with grief but rather to hold space for it for a while as they speak of it. Kessler shares, “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”

In the context of medicalizing gender, our precious children are being harmed. For those who understand and are not fearful of witnessing parental grief over losing a child in this way, we are most grateful. Because in that moment that we share and witness, something special happens, which unites us both in grace and love.

Grief can be complex, multidimensional, and layered. An outsider has no idea how many different ways the loss affects that person. Author Frank Ostaseski addresses death in his book The Five Invitations, and his words also apply to other forms of grief. He says, “Every new loss triggers the memory of another. In the intense grief arising from the loss of someone we love, we rediscover the pool of grief that we have always carried, the ordinary, everyday grief that inhabits our lives.” Most people have a backlog of pain, and when we bear witness to their grief, that person feels seen and heard. Bearing witness, although not easy, has the potential to bring comfort during the most difficult times of our lives.

Those who are experiencing grief may encounter “toxic positivity,” where others try to reframe everything to highlight the positive or give the situation a silver lining. Although the grieving person may find light or positives in their loss experiences, the exaggeration of positives by others can feel contrived and insensitive. When our grief is dismissed or reframed at every opportunity, it can be annoying and unhelpful to the healing process. We need empathy more than anything as we find our way through our loss. Most grieving people wish to shift their attention to other areas of life, and given time, self-care, and non-judging support, we often arrive at a better place naturally. By allowing someone to move through all emotions, even the not-so-pretty ones, we raise the likelihood that they can find acceptance and healing. When a grieving person is encouraged to hide uncomfortable emotions, suppression is likely to cause illness to erupt later with more magnitude than if the emotions were allowed to play out and dissipate gradually. Friends don’t want to see their friends in pain. They want them to feel better fast, but when positivity is pushed, it may prolong the healing process and erode the relationship. 

Not everyone can validate our feelings or be a companion with us during our most raw moments. Some will turn away from us, and our contact list may change after loss. We may need to find a new, supportive tribe. Friendships and relationships often change in the wake of traumatic events, and gender medicalization of kids is a traumatic event for most parents. When our circle of support shifts, that, too, can cause feelings of loss. Parents will have to accept a shifting supportive contact list. We often realize that most people are doing the best they can at the place they are in with the knowledge, experience, and skills they currently have. The world is awakening and beginning to see the dire results of a model of medicine and education that only affirms and does not address, treat, or care for the root cause of distress in children and young adults. A paradigm shift is occurring, leading people to question, investigate, pause, and suspend medicalization practices for minors. And thankfully, parents can find support groups with tribes of people who can help us feel supported with compassion. Two starting points are Parents of ROGD kids (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) groups online, and Genspect, which offers support for parents and relatives dealing with gender dysphoria.

Megan Devine shared these wise words: “The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of. You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it.” These thoughts are challenging for others when death is the source of loss, and they are also difficult when grief is disenfranchised by ideology or the public perception of an issue in society.

What helps parents most when they are grieving is for others to witness, validate, and listen. Those actions help take the edge off the acute, raw nature of the loss. That mindset takes practice and isn’t easy because it is natural to want to take away someone else’s pain. The older we get, the more loss we experience and witness in others, so we all will have opportunities to lean into our own pain and be a companion to others in love and empathy when they experience loss. Even if one cannot fathom the loss of a child to the medicalization of drugs and surgical procedures for gender identities, please be kind to parents and relatives who have experienced this type of loss. Thank you.

Lisa Shultz advocates for parents’ and women’s rights. She is deeply concerned about the influence of gender ideology and the lack of comprehensive, ethical care for children and vulnerable adults. She is the author of The Trans Train: A Parent’s Perspective on Transgender Medicalization and Ideology.