Everything you say is so true! But unfortunately they are sure, in the way that teenagers about to make a terrible decision have always been sure. The fact that they will have to struggle against all these obstacles only makes them more heroic in their minds.
Did you have to make my cry when I have work to do?
I so wish my daughter could listen and respond honestly to these questions. I've tried. She can't. But we have to keep putting it out there for those who might listen and maybe it will creep into the minds of those who aren't listening too, like through peripheral hearing (which I think I just made up).
This is wonderful. It is everything I have been feeling in my heart about today's girls. When I was a girl I used to do backbends to try to make my budding breasts disappear (my older sister told me it would work... but it didn't.) It wasn't until I did Women's Studies in college that I realized what a gift it is to be a woman. (Then I read The Mists of Avalon and that cemented it!) I grieve the loss of every girlfriend who has gone trans... sorry but I didn't need more "guy" friends. I grieve for my friends whose daughters are transing. I grieve for girls as a whole. It must be so terrible to grow up as a girl knowing what horrible degrading porn is out there and that's what boys are expecting. So many things are so hard but sticking it out in the sisterhood is worth it!
Now I believe I have all the ‘ammunition’ to be able to talk to my trans-identified daughter.
Because of this most-enlightening essay, I am ready to talk to my daughter and ask all these questions. She might resist and get angry but she needs to hear these questions from me.
The thing about your list is there are girls and young women (a minority perhaps?) who have no interest in “women’s clothing, jewelry, or accessories … .” Tomboys, if you will. I think it’s sad that there has been a push to encourage medical “treatment” of these girls.
I was a precociously tall girl in my youth (5’11” at 13 in 1963). My parents were, evidently, concerned as they came at me with “We hear there’s a ‘treatment’ to make you stop growing.” Who the hell wants to “stop growing”?! Reduced my trust in them immediately. Not sure how to help today’s young people to eschew medicalization. It might help to accept non-conformity to gender-norms and/or same-sex attraction?
Yes indeed. We need to accept non-conformity and same-sex attraction and encourage girls to just be girls in their own unique way. Drugs and medicalization isn't the answer. Acceptance of their natural self is. And their view of themselves changes over time, so it is best to leave their bodies be. I'm not a fan of messing with nature.
Speaking as a parent of a daughter who went through this, thankfully young enough & briefly enough not to do damage:
Change all the "you"s to "me"s and "us"'s. Tell YOUR stories about when you were their age, and the struggles you went through, and they will be much more likely to listen, and learn.
The young'uns HATE it when the adults try to directly question their judgement. Just like you hated it when you were their age. Ya gotta be more subtle. Invite them to learn from your mistakes & successes, rather than implying they are making/are going to make all the mistakes.
When I was young, no one was suggesting that I should try to look like a boy or cut my breasts off. No one suggested that blaming my body for any and all distress would solve my problems. So I have no such stories to tell like that. I was guided and mentored to become a woman and mother instead. I grew into both successfully. Today, gender idealogy has undermined young girls and their mothers. So as a result, I wrote what I wrote.
What I have to share with young women are things such as
- I hated boys, men, my brother and father, and even my mother staring at or commenting on my developing breasts and hips: especially in front of others. I felt so objectified and violated. Especially my creepy father.
- In college, I was so sick of males staring at my breasts and hips, making me feel vulnerable, violated,violated, like prey, I would joke with other young women who felt the same way, "I feel like just cutting off my breasts and handing them over, since that's what they want and are obsessed with. 'Here, have these!" That was in 1980.
- I incessantly was told by my father that my mother was "nothing but a dumb housewife." That my father was an engineer, doing important work, and all my mother did was clean house, cook, and feed us. But before she married my father, my mother was a Top Secret Secretary at the American Embassy in Paris. My father insisted initially, when they were married, that she stay home, cook, clean, and have 2 kids. After she did that and he'd put her down enough to feel incapable of being in the workforce again, he demanded she do so. She eventually did some volunteering, and finally worked a little bit. She died before having the chance to build her confidence again and develop some financial independence. I now believe a woman should prepare herself academically to be able to be financially independent, including if she gets sick or injured.
-At age 5, I, too, thought I was a boy: because of my father's put downs of my mother. That, until my brother pointed out one night in the bathtub why he was a boy and I was a girl. I still feel devastated when I recall that news, even though I'm massively grateful I'm female and "transitioning" wasn't an option back then. I would have massively regretted it.
Everything you say is so true! But unfortunately they are sure, in the way that teenagers about to make a terrible decision have always been sure. The fact that they will have to struggle against all these obstacles only makes them more heroic in their minds.
Yes, and some are still on the fence. Some girls can be reached. Let's focus on who we can help right now. Spread the word.
I like your approach, speaking directly to the kids, the girls. Girl by girl.
Did you have to make my cry when I have work to do?
I so wish my daughter could listen and respond honestly to these questions. I've tried. She can't. But we have to keep putting it out there for those who might listen and maybe it will creep into the minds of those who aren't listening too, like through peripheral hearing (which I think I just made up).
My daughter would not listen either. I share your tears. So I shift to focus on other girls, who might be able to hear the message.
The culture needs to change, and if it does, it might reach our daughters eventually.
<3 <3 <3
This is wonderful. It is everything I have been feeling in my heart about today's girls. When I was a girl I used to do backbends to try to make my budding breasts disappear (my older sister told me it would work... but it didn't.) It wasn't until I did Women's Studies in college that I realized what a gift it is to be a woman. (Then I read The Mists of Avalon and that cemented it!) I grieve the loss of every girlfriend who has gone trans... sorry but I didn't need more "guy" friends. I grieve for my friends whose daughters are transing. I grieve for girls as a whole. It must be so terrible to grow up as a girl knowing what horrible degrading porn is out there and that's what boys are expecting. So many things are so hard but sticking it out in the sisterhood is worth it!
Yes, the sisterhood is worth it!
Thank you! You said it all for me.
Now I believe I have all the ‘ammunition’ to be able to talk to my trans-identified daughter.
Because of this most-enlightening essay, I am ready to talk to my daughter and ask all these questions. She might resist and get angry but she needs to hear these questions from me.
Thank you again and God bless you.
I hope the questions help. No matter how she responds, remain calm and strong.
Perfect.
Wow, this is so powerful!!!
The thing about your list is there are girls and young women (a minority perhaps?) who have no interest in “women’s clothing, jewelry, or accessories … .” Tomboys, if you will. I think it’s sad that there has been a push to encourage medical “treatment” of these girls.
I was a precociously tall girl in my youth (5’11” at 13 in 1963). My parents were, evidently, concerned as they came at me with “We hear there’s a ‘treatment’ to make you stop growing.” Who the hell wants to “stop growing”?! Reduced my trust in them immediately. Not sure how to help today’s young people to eschew medicalization. It might help to accept non-conformity to gender-norms and/or same-sex attraction?
Yes indeed. We need to accept non-conformity and same-sex attraction and encourage girls to just be girls in their own unique way. Drugs and medicalization isn't the answer. Acceptance of their natural self is. And their view of themselves changes over time, so it is best to leave their bodies be. I'm not a fan of messing with nature.
I love this complete list. It wouldn’t work on my daughter who is too far into the rabbit hole but it might help someone who is at the beginning.
I hear you. My daughter went too far too, so I wrote it for other girls who aren't as far into the rabbit hole.
A well framed question is always a catalyst, its easier to not think ! Therefore.....!
Yes! These questions encourage critical thinking.
Cults hate that.
Great post. Also: Is it worth offending Almighty God so egregiously by saying in effect, “God you did this wrong and I know better?”
These are great questions to elicit self-reflection and insight for these vulnerable and struggling girls.
"...and is it kind to yourself?"
Wonderful! Another of yours to print out and share. Thank you.
Thank you. Print and share if you wish!
Thank you! I will refer people to your Substack.
Speaking as a parent of a daughter who went through this, thankfully young enough & briefly enough not to do damage:
Change all the "you"s to "me"s and "us"'s. Tell YOUR stories about when you were their age, and the struggles you went through, and they will be much more likely to listen, and learn.
The young'uns HATE it when the adults try to directly question their judgement. Just like you hated it when you were their age. Ya gotta be more subtle. Invite them to learn from your mistakes & successes, rather than implying they are making/are going to make all the mistakes.
When I was young, no one was suggesting that I should try to look like a boy or cut my breasts off. No one suggested that blaming my body for any and all distress would solve my problems. So I have no such stories to tell like that. I was guided and mentored to become a woman and mother instead. I grew into both successfully. Today, gender idealogy has undermined young girls and their mothers. So as a result, I wrote what I wrote.
Stories about being guided and mentored into womanhood sounds wonderful! 🥰
Girls need all the positive support we can give them.
The more we can put it in a form that attracts them rather than criticizes them, the more they’ll listen.
Interesting idea! Thank you. I'm going to think about this and try it out in conversations with young women.
What I have to share with young women are things such as
- I hated boys, men, my brother and father, and even my mother staring at or commenting on my developing breasts and hips: especially in front of others. I felt so objectified and violated. Especially my creepy father.
- In college, I was so sick of males staring at my breasts and hips, making me feel vulnerable, violated,violated, like prey, I would joke with other young women who felt the same way, "I feel like just cutting off my breasts and handing them over, since that's what they want and are obsessed with. 'Here, have these!" That was in 1980.
- I incessantly was told by my father that my mother was "nothing but a dumb housewife." That my father was an engineer, doing important work, and all my mother did was clean house, cook, and feed us. But before she married my father, my mother was a Top Secret Secretary at the American Embassy in Paris. My father insisted initially, when they were married, that she stay home, cook, clean, and have 2 kids. After she did that and he'd put her down enough to feel incapable of being in the workforce again, he demanded she do so. She eventually did some volunteering, and finally worked a little bit. She died before having the chance to build her confidence again and develop some financial independence. I now believe a woman should prepare herself academically to be able to be financially independent, including if she gets sick or injured.
-At age 5, I, too, thought I was a boy: because of my father's put downs of my mother. That, until my brother pointed out one night in the bathtub why he was a boy and I was a girl. I still feel devastated when I recall that news, even though I'm massively grateful I'm female and "transitioning" wasn't an option back then. I would have massively regretted it.
Thank you for sharing this. Kids need to hear this sort of thing.
Thanks. Ok, I will experiment with telling young people these things.
So there is this alternative take to consider: https://tinyurl.com/yc5bjp4u
It's just a thought...