The Destruction of the Family Unit

Why Are the Bonds Unraveling?

I have been troubled for several years now as I have heard story after story of parent-child estrangements. In particular, I’m concerned about the surge in estrangements that stem from kids who are taught that going “no contact” is an appropriate “punishment” for parents who hold a different perspective or can’t be controlled under the new rules the kids are dictating in the family dynamics.

Rachel Haack, MA, MFTI, wrote with such insight into what has happened in my family that I wondered if she had been watching my family personally. She recently published an article entitled, We’ve Been Subverted­—And It’s Showing Up in Our Families: How demoralization, destabilization, crisis, and normalization are reshaping our understanding of kinship—and why we need to talk about it.

We’ve Been Subverted—And It’s Showing Up in Our Families

Haack discusses how it all starts as demoralization and the erosion of meaning in family relationships. She says, “We stop believing that family is worth holding onto. That it’s sacred. That it matters.” She goes on to say that she sees it in the way people talk about parents now, “not as human beings with flaws and histories, but as emotional liabilities. ‘My mom is so toxic.’ ‘My dad’s a narcissist.’ Every difficult relationship gets pathologized. Every mistake gets turned into a trauma label.”

She acknowledges that abuse is real and goes on to describe what has happened in my family and so many other families I know. Haack says, “It’s just human pain, unhealed misunderstandings, mismatched expectations, personality differences, hurt that never got named, and love that was there—but maybe not in the way we needed it.” She then broadens her view to the cultural message, saying, “Parents are constantly berated for their failures. Kids are saying, ‘You owed me everything because you chose to have me. But I owe you nothing in return.’”

How is it that so many kids have seemingly ingested this concept and have such negative attitudes toward their parents? Were they given a playbook promoting that perspective? What are the deeper causations or motives in devaluing parents and potentially discarding family relationships?

Oh, and the word “boundaries”! The word boundaries seems to be a weapon now. Haack explains, “When boundaries are used like emotional walls instead of bridges, when every conflict is seen through a trauma lens, when ‘communication’ just means sending a long text and blocking someone—we’re not healing. We’re just isolating. And ironically, we often use boundaries in a way that mimics the very authoritarian parenting we say we’re breaking free from. We don’t call it punishment—but it often functions the same way. ‘If you don’t do what I say, you’re in time out.’ ‘If you do it again, you’re in time out longer.’ ‘If you do it again, I’m leaving you altogether.’ We’ve flipped the roles—now it’s adult children disciplining their parents for failing to live up to their standards. And it’s worth asking: is that really healing, or just reenactment? ... Estrangement is no longer something we mourn—it’s something we celebrate for the estranger. Influencers tell you that if your mom hurt your feelings, it’s emotional abuse.”

The “emotional abuse” label is often used as a charge against a mom or a dad, and usually it comes without a discussion. It is often a verdict without a dialogue.

Sometimes, estrangement is the best option to break a cycle of abuse. But now, it is also used as a method to cut off discomfort and conversations that are hard and take courage. Now, loving parents are lumped in with truly abusive parents. “They all just need to go!” might be the motto. “And also discard grandparents, aunts, uncles, and the whole family. Choose a better one!”

Haack gets it when she says, “There’s a difference between breaking cycles and burning bridges. One is healing. The other is just erasure dressed up in therapeutic language.”

Take a breath. Pause and read the entire article I quoted. I suspect you are either part of a family that has experienced this situation or you know a family that has. Share it with them and come back for the next thought. I’ll wait a moment …

Are you back? If so, contemplate this Chinese Proverb: “To forget one’s ancestors is to be a brook without a source, a tree without a root.” Read it a few times and ask yourself if you have ever encouraged or participated in breaking a parent-child bond (no matter the child’s age).

I’m a fan of Jake Eagle and Michael Amster, co-authors of the book The Power of Awe. I subscribe to their newsletter, and this message came to me recently in my email inbox:

This week, I (Michael, co-author of The Power of Awe) experienced a quiet, powerful moment of awe while visiting my parents’ home. I stood in front of a wall filled with old family photos—faces of grandparents and great-grandparents who have long since passed, their lives etched into sepia-toned memories.

Some of today’s children in our family carry their names, and in that connection, I felt a deep reverence. Generations flowing into one another. Love passed down. Ancestors living on in spirit, laughter, and even in gestures we hardly realize we’ve inherited.

I was struck by the beauty of lineage—how we are each part of a story much greater than ourselves. In these moments, awe arises not from grandeur, but from connection, gratitude, and the enduring thread of family.

Wow, I love that! I have cherished my family heritage for as long as I can remember. Family pictures are all over my walls and surfaces. I love family reunions. I have carefully curated family photo albums and ancestry/genealogical charts and stories. Every bit of what I have spent a lifetime collecting and preserving is now at risk, as my family seems to be dissolving into shattered fragments.

Nice News recently shared a piece about the value of nostalgia in helping maintain close relationships. “When we reminisce about the good times we’ve spent with loved ones, we appreciate them more—and are more driven to maintain those connections.” But now, there seems to be a negative trend of dissing nostalgia and looking down on family members who wish to share it. We are at risk of losing stories and precious ties to those who came before us. Might we be losing priceless connections that our children could pass down to the next generation?

And now, I will dip my toe in the water of what gender ideology has done to families worldwide. Many still do not understand this ideology’s far-reaching impact on the parent-child bond and family structure. When influencers and activists promote the idea that parents are of little value unless they affirm gender ideology and endorse medicalization, they encourage parental and family alienation. It seems to be a badge of honor to disown one’s parents for their lack of affirmation for cross-sex identification. Why are some groups within the fields of law, education, and medicine—who believe in gender ideology—taking away the rights and undermining the abilities of parents to protect their children? The ideology is prized over the close bond the child once had with his or her mom or dad. The ideology is placed on a pedestal above family cohesiveness. And the ideology minimizes parental knowledge, experience, and wisdom. Who gains from isolating and manipulating the child?

The close family network, once precious, receives a sledgehammer blow to all who question or don’t support a medical transition for the vulnerable member who now declares to be the opposite sex. Communications and future visits are weaponized with threats of “no contact.” Social services may remove the child from their parent’s home for not “affirming enough,” and a parent may lose custody in a divorce settlement for not believing gender ideology. The constant pressure, undermining, berating, and bullying of non-affirming parents takes a profound toll. Protective parents begin to feel exhausted and eviscerated. As the movement of gender ideology aims to dismantle, even destroy, the family unit, it simultaneously unravels the fabric of society and its future.

The ideology affects the whole extended family, including grandparents. It disrespects the ancestry of generations, alive and deceased. When a child is named after a grandparent, and the child rejects the name and changes the birth certificate, which rewrites the historical record, it disrespects the grandparents and parents and dishonors truthful ancestral records.

So many in society have lost their way. Let’s set aside any political bickering and focus on the family structure throughout history. Can we survive the present times and the future if we destroy the family unit? We must rethink our priorities. If family means nothing anymore, what does matter? If an ideology is prized over parents and families, will it save humanity or cause its demise?

Lisa Shultz advocates for parents’ and women’s rights. She is deeply concerned about the influence of gender identity ideology and the lack of comprehensive, ethical care for children and vulnerable adults.